Amatonormativity is the idea that a romantic relationship is more important than other relationships. It is often assumed that everyone wants a partner, and that relationship should be central to life. Those without a relationship are then seen as incomplete or the exception.
The term comes from social philosophy and is primarily used in conversations about relationships, sexuality and identity. People who are single, aromantic or polyamorous often do not recognize themselves in this norm. They face prejudice or questions stemming from the idea that romantic love is always the end goal.
Amatonormativity runs deep in everyday life. Movies, books and advertisements often revolve around couples. Even holidays, house rentals, taxes and care arrangements often focus on the partner relationship. Other forms of connection, such as friendship, are rarely recognized or rewarded.
Not everyone who lives without a partner experiences this as a lack. Some consciously choose friendship, care networks or solo living. Yet they often get the idea that they will “still meet someone. Thus, the romantic ideal remains the norm, even if it does not suit everyone.
The term is not meant as an attack on people with a partner. The point is that other forms of life may also be taken seriously. Friendship is no less important than love. And living alone is not the same as being lonely.
Naima lives alone. Not temporarily, but consciously. She works, reads a lot, often meets up with friends. Sometimes she cooks for others, sometimes for herself. It’s not a phase. It’s how she lives, and she likes it.
Yet people often ask if she has already met someone. Sometimes at work, sometimes with family. They mean it kindly. But it feels like what she has doesn’t count yet. As if nothing really begins until a couple is formed.
A colleague once said, “You’re too nice to be alone, aren’t you?” Naima didn’t answer right away. Later she thought: maybe this is just exactly what suits me. A life without a partner.
One evening she read a text explaining the word amatonormativity. It was an unfamiliar word, but everything in it seemed familiar. It described exactly what she had long noticed. That relationships with one person are often seen as the most important thing, even when other forms of connection are stronger.
25 recognizable situations in which amatonormativity is apparent
1. The doctor asks about your partner, not your network
In caregiving, you are almost always asked if you have a partner, as if that is the most important person in your life. Friends, relatives or other loved ones are rarely mentioned, even though they may care for you just as well or better. Amatonormativity here makes invisible who is really important to you.
2. Colleagues expect romantic updates
At work parties or during coffee breaks, people automatically ask if you are in a relationship. If your answer is no, you often get a puzzled or concerned response. As if romance is a natural part of maturity or happiness.
3. Love outweighs achievements
A new relationship is celebrated faster than a promotion, an approved project or a successful move. Romantic developments get more attention than personal goals or professional growth.
4. Parties are for couples
Invitations to weddings, anniversaries or vacations often say, “Partners welcome.” For friends, siblings, that space is usually not offered. Relationships outside of romance are not seen as equally valuable.
5. “You’ll probably find someone else.”
As soon as you say you don’t have a partner, people assume you are looking for one. If not, they often don’t get it. It is thought that you have yet to heal from something or that you haven’t met “the one” yet.
6. Do you live together? Then you must be a couple
If you live with someone, the government often assumes you are a couple. As a result, you get less rent allowance or other benefits. Your relationship is not judged on what it really is, but on romantic assumptions.
7. Romance is the standard in movies and series
Stories on television usually end with a romantic couple finding each other. Other endings, such as a strong friendship or personal growth without a partner, are rare. This gives a one-sided picture of happiness.
8. Friendship disappears when someone falls in love
People who get into relationships sometimes withdraw from their friendships. It is seen as normal that a romantic partner is more important. Other forms of closeness thus fade into the background.
9. Single parents have fewer rights
Parental leave and other arrangements are often made for two-parent families in a romantic relationship. People raising children alone or with a friend receive less support.
10. Family members keep asking about your relationship status
During birthdays or holidays, the question comes up, “So, have you found someone yet?” If you have no desire to do so, you have to defend yourself. This reveals the depth of the idea that a relationship is a life goal.
11. Couples get discounts, friends do not
Hotels, vacations, and packages often give discounts to couples. If you go with a friend or family member, you pay full price. That difference makes it clear who is considered a “real duo.
12. Only romantic roommates count
Insurance, subscriptions and contracts ask for your partner, not your roommate, friend or relative. Living with someone other than a loved one rarely provides benefits.
13. Who may come to the hospital?
In hospitals, the partner is often first on the list for important information. If you don’t have anyone or just choose another contact, you have to make an effort. The norm is on romance.
14. No relationship? Then something must be wrong
People who are intentionally single are often told that they are missing something or that they have yet to process something. Those reactions make it difficult to take another life form seriously.
15. Being single for a long time is seen as a problem
Those who live without a partner for extended periods of time are often seen as “pathetic” or “incomplete. Little space is given to the idea that one can live a rich and stable life even without a relationship.
16. Romance predominates in popular culture
Music, commercials, books and television almost always revolve around romantic love. Other forms of connection rarely get a starring role. This reinforces the idea that love must always be romantic.
17. You only belong with a partner
At family gatherings or at big dinners, sometimes you literally sit at a different table if you don’t have a partner. The message is clear: You are not mature or “complete” until you are with someone.
18. Important friendships don’t count when parting ways
When a close friend is seriously ill or dies, sometimes you may not be there. Hospitals or caregivers prioritize romantic partners or relatives, even if you were actually closest to that person.
19. Anniversaries of couples are big news
Couples celebrating 25 or 40 years together get a big party or even a newspaper article. But friendships or other long-term bonds are rarely celebrated publicly, even if they are just as meaningful.
20. There is leave for partners, not friends
Those who care for a partner are often entitled to leave or support. But if you care intensively for a friend, roommate or chosen family member, you usually get nothing. The law looks primarily at romantic connections.
21. No need for a relationship? Then you are afraid
If you indicate you don’t want a relationship, people think you are afraid of being hurt or that you have commitment anxiety. The possibility that you are just content as it is is rarely accepted.
22. Living with a friend is more complicated
Getting a mortgage or buying a house with a boyfriend or girlfriend is often more difficult than with a romantic partner. Banks and notaries do not understand such forms of cohabitation as well.
23. “You don’t know what love is until you’ve been in love.”
Such statements sell other forms of love short. Friendship, care and devotion beyond romance are taken less seriously as a result.
24. Taxes are aimed at couples
Tax breaks, rebates and rules are usually targeted at married or cohabiting couples. Other forms of cohabitation are ignored or even financially disadvantaged.
25. You take a ‘date’ to avoid questions
At weddings or dinners you sometimes feel obliged to bring someone along, purely to avoid being asked annoying questions. It shows how strong the expectation is that you don’t show up alone.
History and origins
The term amatonormativity was introduced by American philosopher Elizabeth Brake. She developed the term from her work in ethics and political philosophy, looking critically at how societies favor certain forms of life. Brake saw how legal structures, social norms and cultural beliefs not only encouraged but often took marriage and romantic relationships for granted. This led her to search for a word that reveals the core of this norm.
Brake’s inspiration came in part from her personal experiences. She noticed that her choices not to pursue marriage or focus on romantic connection were seen time and again as deviant. Both within her environment and in broader social discussions, she got the impression that romance was considered necessary for a worthwhile life. So the concept of amatonormativity arose out of the need to name that societal expectation so that it could be reflected upon and opposed.
The concept was further developed in her book Minimizing Marriage, in which Brake argues that governments and institutions should not focus on favoring specific relationship forms, such as marriage. Instead, she advocates relational diversity and equality, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Since then, amatonormativity has been picked up within various academic disciplines, as well as within activist and aromantic circles. The concept helps expose structures that exclude people based on romantic preference or relationship choice.
Origin and significance
The word “amatonormativity” comes from the Latin word amatus, which means “loved,” and the word “normativity,” which is about rules or expectations in society. The term is similar to words such as “heteronormativity,” which also name a dominant norm. In this case, it is about the expectation that everyone should want a romantic relationship.
There are other words related to this topic. For example, “amative” means something like “full of love,” especially in a romantic or sexual way. The word amor (love) also comes from Latin and is related. There is also ‘allonormativity,’ which refers to the idea that everyone has romantic or sexual feelings. And “compulsive sexuality” is about the pressure to be sexually active even when someone does not want or need to be.
A related concept is “mononormativity. This is the assumption that one steady partner in a monogamous relationship is better than other forms, such as open relationships or friendships that can be just as important.
The influence of amatonormativity
Elizabeth Brake describes amatonormativity as the pressure to marry or be in a romantic relationship. Many people who do not need romance or prefer to live alone are not taken seriously or are even excluded. This social pressure comes not only from people around you, but also from laws and regulations that protect only romantic couples.
Sociologist Bella DePaulo says single people are often seen as having something missing. At the same time, some people actually stay in bad relationships because they are afraid of being alone. This is because we live in a society where being with a partner is seen as better than being alone.
In her book Minimizing Marriage, Brake explains that amatonormativity revolves around the idea that everyone would be happier with a steady, romantic relationship. And that everyone is looking for that, too. But that’s not true for everyone. Many people consciously choose other forms of connection, or don’t want a partner at all. This term helps to talk about that better.
How amatonormativity differs for men and women
Amatonormativity does not affect people in the same way. Prejudice differs greatly between men and women. Who you are determines what judgment you receive.
Women without partners are often seen as failures. People think they are doing something wrong or are too picky. Her being single is rarely recognized as a choice. She gets questions, pity or tips, even when she doesn’t ask for them. The idea persists that a woman is only “complete” with a relationship.
With men, on the contrary, the emphasis is on independence. A single man is less likely to be condemned. He is seen as free or stubborn. If he wants a partner but does not have one, little attention is paid to that. He is expected to be strong and not need anything.
These judgments are oppressive. Women may not find peace in being alone. Men may not express a desire for connection. Both roles trap people in expectations that give little space.
The differences can be seen in television, laws and language. In many series, the single woman is desperate or crazy. The man is funny or charming. Forms often ask for a “wife,” as if the man is automatically the main applicant. Even social workers tend to take women more emotionally, and men more matter-of-factly.
Amatonormativity confirms existing gender roles. It makes women dependent and men distant. This separation limits everyone, including people who do not deviate from the norm. Therefore, it is important to name this inequality, and make room for other forms of life.
Why amatonormativity persists
Amatonormativity is not a coincidence or minor misunderstanding. It is a deep-rooted pattern that goes back to cultural, religious and economic structures that place romantic relationships at the center. For centuries, marriage has been seen as the core of the family, the foundation of society. That idea still lives on even as the world has changed.
In many countries, marriage has long been a legal and economic agreement. Those who married gained access to land, power, money, inheritance or protection. That made romantic relationships important for survival. Love was not the main goal for a long time, but eventually that economic connection became intertwined with the idea of personal happiness. Today we still see the remnants of that link between love, status and success.
Amatonormativity lives on in laws, education, media and even language. Think of fairy tales in which “and they lived happily ever after” always revolves around a romantic couple. Think of the word “bachelor,” which mostly says what you don’t have. Or think of textbooks that equate “family” with two parents with children, when there are many other forms.
Social expectations also play a big role. Questions like “Have you found someone yet?” sound innocent, but repeat the norm. At school, with family and at work, the idea is instilled that a romantic relationship is a life goal. Whoever deviates must explain. Whoever joins in, gets affirmation.
Media constantly reinforce this image. Romantic storylines are given priority in movies, series, songs and books. Alternative forms of life and love usually exist only as an afterthought, joke or exception. This makes it seem as if romance is universal and self-evident.
Finally, fear also plays a role. In a world that is uncertain, the idea of one steady partner offers a sense of control. The romantic relationship is presented as a stable foundation, a solution to problems such as loneliness, old age or insecurity. But in reality, for many people, it is precisely the pressure of that model that causes tension.
Amatonormativity maintains itself because it seems so normal. Recognizing amatonormativity is therefore important not only for people who do not recognize themselves in it, but also for those who think it is self-evident. It makes room for other ways of living that are just as valuable.
Resources
- Brianna Sharpe Why These Families Want To Queer Valentine’s Day. HuffPost Canada, February 12, 2020 web.archive.org.
- BBC Do you feel under pressure to find The One? BBC Bitesize, 2020 bbc.co.uk.
- Lisa Bonos Bugging your friend to get into a relationship? How amatonormative of you. The Washington Post, July 6, 2017 web.archive.org.
- Elizabeth Brake Amatonormativity. Blog post at elizabethbrake.com, Aug. 29, 2017 elizabethbrake.com.
- Drake Baer There’s a word for the assumption that everybody should be in a relationship. The Week, March 31, 2017 web.archive.org.
- Merriam-Webster Definition of “amative”. Merriam-Webster Dictionary merriam-webster.com.
- Amanda L. Mollet & Brian Lackman Allonormativity and Compulsory Sexuality. In: Encyclopedia of Queer Studies in Education (Brill), Jan. 24, 2021 brill.com.
- Christian Klesse Marriage, Law and Polyamory: Rebutting Mononormativity with Sexual Orientation Discourse? Oñati Socio-legal Series, 2016 opo.iisj.net.
- Drake Baer There’s a Word for the Assumption That Everybody Should Be in a Relationship. The Cut, March 8, 2017 thecut.com.
- Bella DePaulo Should Marriage Be Abolished, Minimized, or Left Alone? Psychology Today, July 17, 2012 psychologytoday.com.
- Craig Wynne Why Is She Not Married? medium.com
- Jess Lloyd It’s Time to Ditch the Isolating Single Women Stereotypes. adweek.com
- Anita L. Vangelisti and John A. Daly Gender Differences in Standards for Romantic Relationships Researchgate