Have you ever wondered why you keep falling for the same type? Why someone with a certain voice, smell or way of talking triggers something in you, while others don’t at all? It seems random, but it’s not. What attracts you follows a pattern. And that pattern has a name: your lovemap.
What are lovemaps?
A lovemap is an inner map of your desires. It is a mental blueprint that determines who you fall for, how you experience love and what dynamics in relationships you take for granted. The lovemap is different for everyone. Some fall for gentle, nurturing types, others for people who are aloof or mysterious.
A lovemap contains personal preferences, shaped by experiences and sometimes accidental events of childhood. Some people seek stability, while others seek excitement. Some relationships begin only when there is strife or uncertainty, while others arise in tranquility. Such preferences do not just happen. They are linked to the inner route the lovemap follows.
That route is often surprisingly specific. It is not just about someone’s appearance or gender, but also about behavior, mood, tone of voice or small gestures. Consider also preferences for hair color, voice type, posture or smell. Often you don’t recognize your own pattern until you look back on it. Perhaps you discover that almost all your ex’-s radiate the same energy. Or that you keep falling for someone with a certain kind of aloofness, because that feels familiar in a strange way.
The term lovemap was developed by John Money, an American psychologist and sexologist who became known for his work on gender identity and sexual development. Money wanted this term to explain how sexual preferences form. He described a lovemap as “a developing representation or template in the mind and brain that portrays the idealized lover and the idealized program of sexual and erotic activities.” According to Money, each person carries with them their own image of the ideal lover and desired love scenario.
John Money compared falling in love to an ink blot test, like the famous Rorschach test from psychology. In it, you see a stain and have to say what you recognize in it. Your answer says more about you than about the stain itself. It works the same way in love. You see something in the other person that matches your inner image. You project that image, often without noticing it. When the other person reflects that projection, it feels right, even if you just know each other. So the click is not a coincidence. It is your lovemap that the other person recognizes as fitting.
How is your lovemap created?
The early basis of your lovemap
Your inner map of love and desire is not a conscious choice. Like a mother tongue, your lovemap is formed by what you hear, see and experience. The sounds and accents are stored. You don’t have to explain anything. Your environment flows naturally into your mind.
You observe behavior, you notice what is rewarded and what is not. Love then seems like something natural, something you understand without anyone having to explain it to you. But this “love language” is not universal. What one person takes for granted is foreign or unsafe to another. Everyone grows up in their own culture, family, media world and classroom. Those circumstances shape the landscape of your inner map.
Examples of how experiences shape your lovemap
A girl who sees her parents making tender gestures all the time may later automatically associate that with romance. A little boy who notices that his parents hardly show affection but are loyal may come to value fidelity over physical closeness. Children who grow up with fairy tales or romantic movies often adopt ideas about love without realizing it themselves. This is how the first lines of their inner lovemap are formed.
- A girl watches her parents interact tenderly: every night her father gently touches her mother’s arm when he comes home. Years later, she finds that she is automatically attracted to people who show physical closeness in the same way. For her, the naturalness of touch equals safety and connection.
- A young boy notices that his parents rarely hug, but are always loyal: they never say “I love you,” but are there for each other. As he matures, he chooses partners who are quiet and reliable, not necessarily expressive or romantic. For him, caring is more important than words or touch.
- A child watches an animated series every night in which the princess is saved: without noticing it, he adopts the idea that love is about saving or being saved by someone. As he grows up, he notices that he is attracted to people who seem vulnerable, or whom he can help. He feels loved when he is needed.
- A child grows up with many arguments between parents: it learns that tension, silence or outbursts are part of love. Later, such a person feels restless in calm relationships. Only when there is drama or intensity does it feel “real.” That person may experience confusion between conflict and attraction.
- A child always gets compliments from a grandparent about how neatly he dresses: the combination of clothing, attention and warmth sticks. Years later, he notices that he is extra attracted to people in a neat suit, or to situations where outward behavior is strongly present. Not just because of how it looks, but because of the feeling that comes with it: being seen.
- A girl has a mother who always sighs when she asks for something: her wishes are perceived as inconvenient. When she is an adult, she feels guilty when she longs for affection. She is attracted to people who are difficult about closeness because it feels familiar. She confuses availability with emptiness.
- A little boy sees his parents only really looking at each other when there is tension: their love is silent and unspoken, except when arguing. Later, he seeks connection through intensity. He can find peace boring and feels alive only in relationships where a lot happens. He doesn’t quite know why, but drama feels recognizable.
- A child grows up in a family where jokes, humor and sarcasm are important: emotions are laughed away. Later, this child falls mainly on people who are quick with words but remain emotionally distant. He thinks love should be funny, but sometimes lacks real connection.
How puberty makes your lovemap visible
In puberty, your lovemap begins to show itself. Not because it only emerges then, but because hormonal changes, social tension and sexual discovery cause everything to suddenly become palpable. Things that previously remained unconscious now become visible.
You notice what excites you, what touches you, what repels you. Not everything makes sense. Some preferences seem unexpected. Yet they can often be traced back to early impressions. What felt familiar now feels attractive. Not because it’s necessarily good for you, but because your system recognizes it.
With that, your lovemap is not a manual. It is a track record of impressions and patterns. Some people go their whole lives with it. Others bump into something and find that their preferences don’t help. In either case, the real work begins with reflection.
What is a damaged or derailed lovemap?
In most cases, a person’s lovemap develops without many obstacles. Influences from parents, school, environment and chance combine to form a personal love map. That map is unique, but usually workable. Yet sometimes things turn out differently. Psychologist John Money then spoke of a “vandalized lovemap,” as if the original route has become daubed.
In particular, he meant situations in which young children are inappropriately exposed to sexuality. Sexual abuse, violent acts or exaggerated sexual cues can permanently disrupt the formation of the lovemap. According to Money, this often happens between the fifth and eighth years of life. This is precisely when the first sexual meanings are attached to feelings and situations. This often happens without the child’s understanding, but the imprint is permanent.
Three possible consequences of a damaged lovemap
- Hypophilia: Sexual feelings are suppressed or remain absent. A person feels little or no desire and experiences intimacy as threatening or empty. This is not a conscious choice, but a result of a schema in which arousal is linked to anxiety.
- Hyperphilia: Sexual stimuli are compulsively sought. The person is obsessively focused on arousal, often with no room for intimacy or rest. Sex acts as a distraction, comfort or form of control.
- Paraphilia: Sexual preferences focus on unusual things. Excitement arises from objects, roles or actions outside the usual context. Think fetishism, voyeurism or compulsive fixations.
According to Money, how does paraphilia arise?
According to John Money, paraphilia occurs when sexual arousal happens to be coupled with a confusing experience. If a child feels physical sensations during a painful or violent moment, that can become fixed in the lovemap. Later, arousal then arises only in combination with power, humiliation or pain.
For this, abuse is not always involved. Unexpected intense experiences can also leave a mark. Think of a child who becomes aroused during a spanking or during a sudden fright. That experience is unconsciously associated with lust. The meaning is unclear, but the body remembers the combination. This creates a sexual preference that is independent of contact or love.
Impaired bonding and the formation of the lovemap
- Insecure attachment: The lovemap forms based on avoidance or fear. Love becomes something tense or confusing. Subsequent preferences then often revolve around distance, control or survival.
- Unpredictable parenting: With neglect or varying attention, the child learns that love is unreliable. That pattern settles into the love schema.
- Affection and trauma: When heat combines with confusion or violence, sexual feelings become mixed with pain.
- No role models: When there are no safe examples of affection, the brain fills the void with fiction or random impressions.
As a result, the lovemap grows without clear boundaries or direction. Many people later struggle with connection without understanding where it comes from.
How abuse damages the lovemap
- Sexual abuse: Power, control and confusion become inseparable from intimacy. Normal development becomes disrupted.
- Boundary violation: When the body does not provide protection, the sense of boundaries fades. The other person becomes something threatening or unpredictable.
- Repetition of trauma: Some people revisit situations similar to their initial damage. The lovemap recognizes this as “familiar.
- Control instead of connection: Love is confused with surrender or submission. The sexual script is not about closeness but power.
These kinds of patterns are often unconscious. A person does not realize where the repetitions come from, but they are deeply embedded.
How compulsive patterns lock into the lovemap
- No room for emotion: Sexual acts replace emotional closeness. Intimacy turns into performance or habit.
- Fetishism as focus: Excitement focuses on a detail or action. The lovemap seeks hold in predictability.
- Sex as a weapon or evidence: Intimacy is used to maintain control or force recognition.
- Rigid patterns: The lovemap follows set lines and leaves little room for fine-tuning or innovation.
In relationships, this often leads to frustration, estrangement or a feeling of emptiness. The other person notices that contact is missing, even if there is a lot of sex.
Lovemaps at cluster B personalities
- Narcissism: Sex is all about admiration. The other person is a mirror, not a partner. Intimacy is secondary to affirmation.
- Antisocial traits: Power, destruction or risk become erotically charged. The other is an object, not a person.
- Borderline: Sexual scripts change greatly. From idealization to rejection, from panic to control. The lovemap is unstable and violent.
These patterns create relationships full of tension, drama or unpredictability. They arise not by choice, but from deep schemas formed early on.
When the lovemap becomes dangerous
Sometimes the lovemap becomes so disturbed that there is danger to the environment. The other person is then no longer seen as a human being, but as an object in a personal scenario. These are risk factors:
- Destructive patterns : Patterns of control, manipulation or humiliation are recurrent.
- Sexual objectification: There is no more reciprocity. The other has a function, not a voice.
- Aggression without shame: Sexual behavior is accompanied by coercion or violence, without remorse or awareness.
- Psychopathy and insensitivity: There is no empathy. Others exist only as scenery in one’s own story. Sex is deployed without any concern for boundaries or consequences.
At that point, professional intervention is needed to understand where things are derailing. Without help, the consequences can be severe, for the person themselves and for others.
Why understanding your lovemap helps
The concept of a lovemap is not a label or judgment. It is a way to get a grip on your patterns. It is not a personal fault if you feel sexual tension only in the face of danger or humiliation. This is shaped by experiences that have influenced your inner script.
Therapy provides space to revisit that script. Understanding where it came from creates space for change. The lovemap is not your destiny, but a map that can be rewritten. It requires insight, time and guidance. But it also makes it clear that even the most damaging pathways need not be final.
Can lovemaps change?
How stable is your lovemap anyway?
A lovemap develops early in life. According to psychologist John Money, the basis usually forms between the fifth and eighth years of life. The preferences, patterns and triggers that develop during that period become deeply embedded in the brain. Consequently, many people find that their sexual preference or their preference for a certain type of partner remains pretty constant.
A man who discovered as an adolescent that he was attracted to powerful women finds later in life that this feeling does not go away. Even when his relationships fail, that underlying pattern persists. This is not a conscious choice, but rather a kind of compass that is difficult to adjust. Money was clear: once a lovemap is formed, real change is rare.
Erotic plasticity: how pliable is your lovemap?
Yet there are those who experience change. Psychologists then speak of erotic plasticity: the degree to which a person is sensitive to context, experience or development in his or her sexual orientation. Some people prove surprisingly flexible; others always stay within the same lines. These differences are related to character, attachment and openness to new experiences.
Examples of possible changes to the lovemap:
- New love outside the familiar pattern: Someone who always fell for muscular types falls in love with a petite, shy person. Not despite, but because of those differences.
- Shift by life stage: After a busy decade of partying and fleeting sex, a person later in life discovers that stability and softness suddenly feel more attractive than adventure.
- Change through experience: A woman who experiences secure, stable love for the first time after years of painful relationships finds that her preferences shift toward peace and predictability.
In these cases, the entire core of the lovemap does not change, but accents shift. New experiences add layers without erasing the basics.
Can therapy change a lovemap?
In people struggling with destructive patterns, change is not only possible, but sometimes necessary. A lovemap that only excites at power or humiliation can be paralyzing. In therapy, the goal is not to rewrite the whole map, but to make room for alternative pathways.
Key strategies in therapy around lovemaps:
- Learning new associations: Positive sexual experiences or safe relationships can break the link between arousal and pain.
- Restructuring memories: Through EMDR or other techniques, old scripts are rewritten so that the body learns to recognize other signals.
- Building self-insight: Understanding the origins of one’s own lovemap helps to better understand why certain patterns keep recurring.
For example:
- A woman who received inappropriate adult attention as a child found that as an adult she only fell for older dominant men. In therapy, she learned to recognize the difference between dominance as trauma echo and genuine reciprocity. This gave her space for the first time to enter into relationships that did not damage her.
- A man who struggled for years with sexual arousal discovered after his mother’s death that the entrapment he felt was partly related to her strict ideas about sex. In mourning and reflection, space opened up. Not immediately, but slowly, he began to allow other experiences.
- A woman who developed fetishistic fixations on latex and control discovered after her first panic attack that these preferences helped her regulate her anxiety. In therapy, she learned to calm her body in other ways. The need for the old pattern diminished as a result.
When does a lovemap not change?
Sometimes the desire for change is greater than the space. Someone who finds that he keeps falling for destructive partners may consciously want to choose something different, yet keep falling back into old scripts. Not out of unwillingness, but because the body seeks safety in the familiar, even when that is actually unsafe.
Characteristics of a rigid lovemap:
- Preferences feel like compulsion: There seems to be no choice, only repetition.
- Desire and fear are intertwined: Excitement arises only when there is tension or danger.
- New experiences are repelled: Whatever deviates from the old pattern feels uncomfortable, even if it is objectively better.
Change is then only possible when the old script is broken at a deep level, often with intensive help.
Lovemaps as living documents
Your lovemap is not a fixed judgment. It is an inner landscape that forms early, but can grow. That landscape does not usually change radically, but it does change subtly. Certain paths become overgrown, others become passable again. Sometimes an old path is abandoned because it keeps coming to a dead end. Sometimes a new path emerges spontaneously after an unexpected encounter.
Important insights to remember:
- Your lovemap is formed, not chosen: The basis is often beyond your control.
- Change takes time and safety: New experiences can open up other routes.
- Self-insight is crucial: You cannot adjust your compass until you know how it works now.
Rewriting a lovemap is not a quick fix. But it is possible. Not by erasing the past, but by adding new meanings to what you have already come to believe. There is room for growth precisely in that, without losing yourself.
How fixed is sexual orientation in your lovemap?
Sexual orientation forms one of the foundations of the lovemap. John Money described sexual orientation as a core structure that develops early and usually remains stable for life. Those who are attracted to a particular gender at puberty often find that this pattern continues. This direction in desire is part of the deep script that anchors itself in the brain during childhood.
But that script is not rigid for everyone. Some people find that their attraction shifts or widens over the course of life. New desire can emerge without the original preference disappearing. That movement is described in recent research as sexual fluidity: the ability to allow for new forms of attraction outside the old pattern, often slowly and without conscious direction.
In lovemap terms, this does not mean rewriting the map, but adding paths. The main route remains recognizable, but somewhere between the side paths something new emerges. For some people it remains just exploration, for others the new path acquires a permanent place in the landscape. That too falls within the framework of how a lovemap can change: not by erasing the past, but by expanding the existing.
How do you recognize your own lovemap?
Because lovemaps operate largely unconsciously, many people don’t dwell on what hidden blueprint is driving their love life. Still, it can be very enlightening to take a look at your own lovemap. Knowing yourself in this area helps to understand why you keep exhibiting certain behaviors in relationships or falling for the same types of people. But how do you find out, after all, such an inner map is not a tangible thing?
The first step is reflection: looking back at your own experiences and patterns in love. Try to discover if there are any common threads. Think about the people you’ve been in love with or the relationships you’ve had. Do you see similarities? Perhaps all your partners had a certain trait in common, or each relationship ran along a similar pattern (for example, lots of passion quickly but also arguments quickly).
These are hints of what is drawn on your lovemap. Your fantasies and daydreams about the ideal partner or ideal relationship also contain hints. What do you (secretly) long for, what scenarios often play out in your head when you think about love or sex? These desires don’t come out of the blue; they follow the contours of your love blueprint.
A helpful way to explore your own lovemap is to ask yourself pointed questions. Take a moment and be honest with yourself. Some examples of questions you can explore:
- What do I expect from a love relationship?
For example, do I expect a fairy-tale romance, or just down-to-earth partnership? Should a relationship conform to traditional steps such as living together, marriage, children, or not? - What did I think love would be like as a child?
Remember your fantasies or beliefs about later “when I grow up and fall in love”; were they influenced by fairy tales or movies? - What kind of people do I fall for each time?
Think about both appearance and interior. Do I see a pattern in characteristics such as introverted/extraverted, caring/adventurous, looks that always attract me? - How do I deal with intimacy and sex?
What role does sexuality play in my relationships? Do I have strong preferences or needs in terms of frequency and certain actions? And do I feel comfortable or unsure about that? - How do I respond to conflict or distance in a relationship?
Do I pull back when arguing or do I cling? And could that be because of what my lovemap has stored as “normal”: for example, if arguing in my childhood equaled being abandoned, now I avoid possible conflict at all costs. - Does my current love life match my deepest expectations?
In other words, am I living the scenario of my lovemap or am I actually dissatisfied because there is something missing that I apparently consider important? And if it doesn’t match, where exactly does it falter?
By answering these kinds of questions honestly, you draw out your own lovemap, so to speak. You will discover which elements keep recurring in your way of loving. Perhaps you realize that with each partner you were looking for a piece of parental warmth that you missed in your youth. Or you recognize that you keep falling for outward appearances when in fact you crave emotional depth, which leads to disappointment. These kinds of insights are worth their weight in gold. After all, they allow you to make more conscious choices in love. For example, if you notice, “My lovemap always sends me to distant people because I subconsciously think that’s exciting, but it ends up making me unhappy,” you can try to break that pattern.
Recognizing your own lovemap is not something you do in an hour; it is an ongoing process of self-observation and daring to look honestly at your desires and fears. Sometimes it can help to talk about it with someone you trust because they can hold up a mirror. The important thing is to remain judgment-free during this exploration. A lovemap is not “good” or “bad” per se; it is simply there, shaped by your unique life history.
You may be startled by certain conclusions, but remember that insight is the first step toward change. When you understand which route your love map keeps taking, you can decide more consciously whether to stay that course or adjust it. And even if you have no desire to change anything, knowing your own lovemap can be enormously helpful: you can better communicate to a partner what is important to you in love and sex, and you understand yourself in relationship situations a lot better. It’s like no longer walking blindly through the love labyrinth, but having your own map in your hands.
History and origin of the term lovemaps
The term lovemap was developed by John Money, an American psychologist and sexologist who became known for his work on gender identity and sexual development. He introduced the word “lovemap” in the early 1980s. At that time, he wrote an article in which the term first appeared, later published under the title Pairbonding and Limerence. Already during his lectures, he used the idea of a personal lovemap that every person carries within him. The term “lovemap” became his compact, recognizable way of capturing that idea.
He was concerned not only with orientation, such as heterosexuality, homosexuality or bisexuality, but also with the specific characteristics that a person finds erotically attractive. At a time when there was still much misunderstanding about these topics, his idea of a lovemap offered a new framework. According to him, love and lust are not accidental or purely innate, but develop during life.
In the years that followed, Money developed the concept further. In 1986, his book Lovemaps: Clinical Concepts of Sexual/Erotic Health and Pathology. In it, he elaborated on how lovemaps develop and what can go wrong in that development. Later, in a 1997 article in the journal Medical Hypotheses, he classified lovemaps based on what excites a person most erotically. He distinguished three forms: hapto-erotic (focused on touch), morpho-erotic (focused on appearance) and gnomo-erotic (focused on stories and context). In doing so, he showed that people differ greatly in what is decisive for them in attraction.
Over time, the concept lovemap found its way into the scientific and popular literature. Several authors adopted it to better name personal preferences in love and sexuality. For example, the term also appears in the book The Science of Love by Glenn Wilson and Chris McLaughlin. Not all of his ideas are uncontroversial, but lovemap is still considered a useful concept for understanding the wide variety of love preferences. It is important not to confuse lovemap with relationship therapist John Gottman’s “love map. By this, the latter means how well partners know each other’s daily lives, which is something very different from Money’s concept.
All in all, John Money’s lovemap is considered a pioneering term. With it, he gave a direction to thinking about sexual preferences, patterns and paraphilias in the second half of the twentieth century.
Why is the concept of lovemaps important?
Scientific impact of the lovemap
The lovemap concept brought a new perspective on sexual development. Before Money’s theory, lovemaps provided a framework to explain divergent preferences. Previously, divergent interests were sometimes seen as individual perversion ou purely genetic. Lovemaps allowed those variations to be placed in a developmental perspective. The theory showed that patterns of attraction arise from life course and environment, not just biological impulses.
Lovemaps made it possible to stigmatize sexuality and orientation less. Homosexuality was no longer labeled pathological, but a variation in a person’s map. Researchers could now examine how a person’s pattern of attraction forms and changes. This created a more holistic view of sexual preferences and relationships. Lovemaps thus created a paradigm shift in sexology.
Social relevance of lovemaps
Lovemaps remind us how childhood colors our love map. A safe childhood builds healthy lovemaps, while abuse leaves scars. This realization reinforces calls for better sex education and child protection. As a society, we bear responsibility for the forms of love and sexuality that young people inherit.
Lovemaps also provide a language to discuss modern concerns. Consider the influence of social media and pornography on teens. Overdose stimuli from unrealistic images can latch onto a young lovemap. By recognizing lovemaps, educators can better guide for wide-eyed and healthy examples. In this way, we promote more balanced development.
Lovemaps and paraphilias in therapy
The lovemap idea also helps social workers with paraphilias. Instead of passing judgment on unusual preferences, practitioners ask how they originated in the map. Early childhood experiences provide clues for therapy. Knowing which track in the lovemap is damaged can help design targeted interventions.
Therapeutic targets in paraphilias
- Discovery of Origin: In what childhood memories are the first signals stored?
- Repurposing associations: Old couplings of lust and pain can be slowly loosened.
- Insert new meanings: Through positive, safe experiences, alternative paths can emerge.
Lovemaps thus provide not only insight but also direction for treatment plans for problematic sexual behavior.
Lovemap and relational counseling
At the everyday level, the lovemap concept helps couples understand each other better. Often partners clash because their maps of love are shaped differently. One partner communicates love through touch, the other through practical care or words.
Examples of lovemap differences in relationships
- Love languages versus lovemaps: One partner constantly desires hugs, while the other experiences practical help as a love language.
- Different comfort zones: Someone raised with physical closeness feels safe with intimacy, while another needs distance because of a shy childhood.
- Communication about lovemap: Awareness of these patterns can lead to conversations about needs and wants.
Sharing lovemaps gives partners concrete tools to speak each other’s love language and avoid misunderstandings.
Lovemap in policy and parenting
In policy discussions about sex education, lovemap is receiving increasing attention. Good sex education is not just about contraception, but also about forming a balanced map. Here are some policy guidelines that can support lovemaps:
- Early relational formation: Parents and schools teach children healthy forms of affection and respect.
- Media literacy: Education about the artificial nature of media images helps young people put things into perspective.
- Trauma prevention: programs to prevent child abuse strengthen the foundation for a healthy lovemap.
Conclusion
The lovemap concept provides a clear framework for understanding how love and sexuality develop. It shows that our attraction is not random but rooted in early experiences. The map we form as children often long defines our love path. But with new experiences and proper guidance, parts of the lovemap can adjust and deepen.
Lovemaps also help us be mindful of differences. They give language to divergent preferences and make the debate less black and white. In therapy, lovemaps offer starting points for breaking harmful patterns. In relationships, they promote understanding of each other’s needs. And in policy, they point to the need for proper child rearing and protection.
Thus, the lovemap idea forms a bridge between science and everyday practice. It encourages constant modification of that map with new experiences. In doing so, love does not become a fixed script.
Sources and literature
- Diamond, L. M. (2008). Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
- Lehne, G. K. (2009). Phenomenology of Paraphilia: Lovemap Theory. In F. M. Saleh (Ed.), Sex Offenders: Identification, Risk Assessment, Treatment, and Legal Issues (pp. 12-24). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
- Money, J. (1986). Lovemaps: Clinical Concepts of Sexual/Erotic Health and Pathology, Paraphilia, and Gender Transposition in Childhood, Adolescence, and Maturity. New York: Irvington Publishers
- Money, J. (1988). Gay, Straight, and In-Between: The Sexology of Erotic Orientation. New York: Oxford University Press.
- Money, J. (1997). Evolutionary sexology: the hypothesis of song and sex. Medical Hypotheses, 48(5), 399-402
- Money, J. (1988). Gay, Straight, and In-Between: The Sexology of Erotic Orientation. New York: Oxford University Press
- Wilson, G. D., & McLaughlin, C. (2001). The Science of Love. London: Fusion Press.